by April Brinkley

Nowadays, those of us with nocturnal habits are subjected to the sirens of conspicuous consumption: infomercials. They call to us, beckoning us to spend our hard-earned money, or, better yet, to use the convenience of our credit cards, which are even more difficult to pay back with our hard-earned money.

And, even if we are strong and resist their temptation, there is always the digital deal clincher. That, of course, is the phrase that is the queen mother of sales pitches: "But wait!"

So we wait, only to discover that now we can actually save money by purchasing the object of our transient desire. (Of course, the amount "saved" might be enough to cover the interest charges associated with the purchase on our credit card.)

How do I know that infomercials, indeed, work? How do I know that people do not just turn away from them in favor of the late, late movie? I know because I, too, was once an infomercial junkie.

Over the years, I have spent thousands of dollars on gadgets to tighten my abs, whiten my teeth, improve my finances and enhance my culinary prowess. So, do I have a sexier mid-section, a brighter smile, a bigger bankroll or a Martha-Stewart-style kitchen? Let's see...no, no, no and, um, no. What I do have, however, is a bulging closet and burgeoning credit card debt.

Since I do know a bit about marketing, I always find if fascinating to watch the various sales techniques employed by infomercial producers. Their most valuable asset is usually the product spokesperson.

Salesmanship is easier when it’s linked to a personality, and if that personality also has charisma, well, that's even better. So celebrities (or people who look as if they could be celebrities) are employed to endorse infomercial wares. If people like the person, they're likely to transfer that feeling to the product. It's known as the "halo effect." This is why car dealerships and insurance companies bombard you with salespeople instead of just providing brochures with all the pertinent spec and info. It's much easier to dissect the sales pitch and get rid of it when it comes on paper than when it comes in person.

So, when it comes to infomercials, can you get it in writing? Yes. And if you believe everything you read, you won't after you see these claims.

To "get it in writing," just mute your television set with the closed captioning activated while you are watching an infomercial. Claims that sound reasonable when uttered by a convincing spokesperson read like ridiculous ramblings. (If you're really into the visual of the spokespeople, adjust the brightness and contrast on your set so that they appear as dark blobs. Poof! Effectiveness eradicated!)

Once you've discovered this tool for dismantling the claims, infomercials become "entertainmentmercials."

The next time you find yourself becoming lured by the sales sirens, just remember to ask yourself, "Will this product make me a better person?" And remember that the answer is "Probably not."

While buying useless gadgets and gizmos may not make you a better person, getting a better night's sleep might. So turn off your TV and go to bed. Your closets and credit cards will thank you.